Directions for Dating Me: Part I

Having been true to myself since March 2005 (read: single) I think I’m ready to date again. Now, falling in love is a subject for another post, another time, but I do believe I’m prepared to get out there and see what happens.

This is where YOU can help me by following these directions:

1) approach me first because odds are that I’ll think you’re cute. And even if I don’t I’ll still be flattered and that’s all that matters - sometimes.

2) withhold intercourse. The easiest way to have me lose interest is to give up the goods too early on. If we have sex right away that’s all its going to be, but if I keep seeing you and seeing you and seeing you, without expectations of sex, then we’re going to be more than a hook up. But please don’t misinterpret this to mean we can’t do other stuff while we wait. This might not be very adult, but it’s effective.

2a) if you want to just be a hook up, by all means, but this post is about dating.

3) when we do have sex, expect a lot of it. Because if you’re thinking about it then I’m definitively thinking about it, and great minds think alike.

4) don’t put all the pressure on me. Sure I’ll come up with some amazing dates and fantastic conversation, but that doesn’t mean I want to play cruise director all the time. Let’s do something you want to do once in a while or I’ll have to consider that you have no personality which will end things before their time.

5) engage me in conversation. Making chit chat is not a man’s forte, but in fact must be a two player game, like air hockey, to be fun. Run out of questions? Mention: sports (football, soccer, rugby), work, New York, family, books, movies, video games, etc. and I’ll run with it. And God help you if you bring up Hunter S. Thompson and don’t want to hear me talk about it for at least 20 minutes.

6) pick up the tab occasionally. I can barely live on my own means in this city, much less sponsor our relationship. Sure, you’re cute but credit card debit is ugly.

7) do not try to change me. People can’t change, only hide their stripes. And God forbid you succeed, you won’t be attracted to me anymore as I’m no longer the man you liked at the beginning of our relationship.

8) and finally, contrary to what movies teach you, post-coitus conversations are never a good time to discuss “us” under any circumstances. And for that matter, neither is pre-coitus.