Transparency

Transparency, as used in the humanities, implies openness, communication, and accountability. It is a metaphorical extension of the meaning used in the physical sciences: a “transparent” object is one that can be seen through. Wikipedia

Tumblr (this blog service) is all about transparency. Jakob Lodwick, collegehumor and Vimeo founder, was my inspiration to spend $9 and own a domain name and a Tumblr account and he and his girlfriend (and CH, CV friends) demonstrate just how one can exist as both a Manhattan professional and an online entity. Following their blogs day to day, I felt as though I was a member of their close circle of friends (and considering that my close friends don’t have an online presence, I had no choice but to follow theirs for inspiration) and wanted to be one of them.

This is something I struggle with everyday. This site is three months in the making and I still don’t have an idea of just what PeterWKnox.com is about and what service I can bring to my readers (ideas? email me). I do know that I will never blog about work although many co-workers are aware of this site due to a certain Gawker link. And recently I learned to not post about budding or not budding relationships (notice, no link) because attention is not welcomed by all, especially when they aren’t in control of it.

The problem is that I love attention. Always have. As a child I was the smart aleck, always with a quite quip or joke, demanding more of the spotlight and causing problems with coaches and teachers with whom I was diverting attention from when they needed it most. I can’t say that I ever calmed down. Anytime a microphone was within reach I was mouthing off and anytime I caught someone’s eye I was always working to keep it on me.

And since then I’ve always maintained that I’d rather be criticised than ignored. That I was neither embarrassed nor proud of my indiscretions. I’m a self-confessed egotist and for my entire life welcomed both positive and negative attention equally. Perhaps I was always a blogger before blogs were invented and always knew I’d need an online presence before the Internet existed. For so much of a writer’s life is spent inside their own head and they simply want recognition, approval, and publication just to know that they aren’t alone in this world, that other people share the same emotions, opinions, highs, and lows.

I’m the guy that, if given the chance, would read everyone’s diary and anything anyone had ever written about me - not because I want to know, but because I NEED to know.

With the iPhone I’m quick to snap a picture, add a caption, and send it off to this site for others to view. And sadly (get on this Tumblr people!) I can’t go online with my phone to delete the fastidious posts. And often I find myself kicking myself for acting too quickly without all the facts and retrospective insights one discovers the next morning.

But that’s simply my personality. I act quickly and often without discretion about posting my daily activities, wondering if anyone will even care. I know several close friends are regular readers and those of you checking in daily are catching many posts that are deleted hours later once I see the error of my ways.

I act fast. And intensely. And I have a hard time apologizing for posting these stream-of-consciousness introspectives. That’s just always how I’ve been. I grab the mike and speak my mind. I break out alcohol-induced dance moves and chalk them up to being 23 and living in the moment. And maybe I shouldn’t. But at the same time I can’t imagine living any other way. This is who I am, and while I may be often wrong and ahead of myself, I still believe I’d do the same thing with a clear head and 24 hrs to think about it. No regrets. Now this is happening. And I’d rather be scrutinized than brushed off to the side.

I’m one of those people that wants to be famous and then realizes I don’t want everyone to know everything about me. But you can’t have both. And this is my struggle. This is my website. If you don’t want to hire me for this transparency, maybe I don’t want to work for you. If you don’t want to date me for this exposure, maybe I don’t want to date you. And if you can’t handle this, there are millions of other sites you should probably be reading. Because anonymous just isn’t for me - I want you to know me and accept me and to support me. If not, find something else to read.

Thanks for understanding.