The Driver's Seat
At 23 I may not be or feel “mature” but the biggest progress I’ve made in my life, and what I see many other people around me (of all ages) struggling with, is realizing that I can control how things out of my control affect me.
Like most breakthroughs, it’s a simple concept but very difficult in practice. As a baby we’re conditioned to react to things outside of our control by crying until someone else fixes them. This “do nothing but cry” philosophy, carries on through childhood and adolescence as we’re told that because you can’t control everything you can’t control how it affects you. We have the structure of our families, our schools, our jobs, and our routines to fall back on. Things are relatively safe for us to try new things, get knocked down, and pick ourselves back up. For some, this carries on well past high school.
But many are soon outside this bubble of emotional protection. We’ve lived long enough that enough people have enough ways to really hurt us. They know us well enough to get at the core of things that really bother us, shake us up. People we once opened up to, cared about enough to care what they thought, and to whom we exposed our vulnerabilities, the soft underbellies of our emotional centers, will use all of it against us at points in life. This is reason alone to close up completely and never trust a human being again, but goes against our drive and desire to share in life and be loved.
What people don’t understand is that everything that happens in life, especially those things out of our control, can only affect us as much as we allow them to. Things varying from our office copier running out of staples to your once best friend sleeping with your ex-girlfriend. Yes, these things hurt. Yes, no one would ever think less of you for reacting with anger, depression, and frustration. But, that’s only if you let that get to you.
Some of us have been conditioned to this. We’ve learned to ignore the bullies, the online anonymous commentators, the bad reviews, the angry emails, the bothersome texts, the people that don’t want you to be happy, under the idea that to let them in would be to let them win, giving them the irksome attention they want (and deserve). But it’s another thing to brush it off your shoulders, take a deep breath, and focus on the things you’re interested in, not the things interested in you.
That quote, When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead, has more truth to it than we like to think. You alone are in control of how You consciously react to things. Sure, some insults and harassment are going to give you a check to the gut, get under your skin immediately, and you’ll react on instinct. But it’s how you regain control of yourself and decide if you’ll let this derail you or stay the course.
I’m a passionate person and pride myself on the heart I wear on my sleeve. I’d react immediately and candidly to most anything that came my way. I’d live off the highs and lows before I realized that my behavior was creating more lows than highs. I was alienating myself. I was getting myself into trouble. How I felt about something right after I’d make a decision was not how I felt about it waking up the next morning, or the days afterward. And it sure was exhausting focusing on everything but myself.
I decided not too many years ago to focus on the positive things in my life that make me happy and to pay no attention to those trying to bring me down. Sure, shit comes up, and I can’t control that, but I can control how I’ll react to it. Basically: nothing is the end of the world and everything is going to be all right has been my philosophy since 2005. And so far, it’s come true. You just have to determine for yourself how deep you’ll let things dig into you and know when to stop caring about such detractors, because once you realize they will only end up hurting you instead of helping you, it becomes a lot easier to walk away entirely. Block out the bad and focus on the good might not work for everything and everybody, but it’s a pretty damn good start.
