Will Leitch, the former editor of this fair site, who as you know died two weeks ago, has long argued that sports are our oasis from reality. So why not take it all the way? Why bother thinking of the players as real human beings? I know Brett Favre is a human being, with feelings and shit. But the truth is, he’s no realer to me than fucking Pinocchio. We don’t know athletes. We CAN’T know athletes. So why treat them as real people? That’s no fun. If I met Favre and had a friendly exchange with him, my attitude would almost certainly change, because he’d be a real person to me. I’d know him. But as it stands, he remains more a character in my little imaginary sports world…

Think about gossip magazines. People read that shit all the time. And the reason they do is because the celebrities they see inside aren’t real people to them. It’s just a serialized soap opera of who’s banging who and who’s leaving who. We know who these people are, but we don’t KNOW them, which is why we feel free to judge them and laugh at their misfortune. It’s a nice outlet for all our cruel pettiness, and it helps keep us civil in our real-life interactions. Plus, plenty of those people deserve the scorn. Man, that Spencer Pratt is a fucking douche and a half. I hope he takes a Lamborghini ride with Nick Hogan sometime soon.